We are pleased to welcome the newest recruit to the Trigger Warning team – legendary spiritualist and medium, Doris Stokes, everyone’s favourite cuddly pathological liar and shit-stirrer. Those keeping a keen eye on the news will know Doris passed away in 1987 but such trivialities do not concern us here. Having asked the old woman at the end of the road with the wonky eye to put us in touch with Dead Doris, we have been granted unprecedented access to her in the afterlife, allowing us to put questions to her to ask passing phantoms of the realm. It is with such cunning that we are able to find answers to questions previously denied to the living, putting Trigger Warning at the forefront of old news; new old news; old old news and so on.
The first pressing question we were able to ask – exactly what do the most evil despots in history listen to? Answers transcribed quickly, may not be 100% accurate.
“There’s a man here…lovely head of bald hair. He’s speaking upside down, dear. What’s your name lovey? Lemon? Valdimir Lemon? What tunes do you like lovey? He says he likes Julio Iglesias, love”
“There’s a Johnny Starling here, love! Lovely head of hair. Smoking like a chimney he is! Get away! He’s trying to touch me tuppence! What tunes do you like, love? Little Mix? Is that what you’re saying? You’re fading, love…”
“Come here love, don’t pay no mind. Stop picking on him, ya little shits! Ee, settle down, sit on your Auntie Doris’ knee. What songs do you like? Kaiser Chiefs? Aye, I suppose you would…”
“Ohh, eh, I could tell you some stories about Idi Amin. Right joker he is. You should see his magic tricks. Who’d you like love? Bit o’ Deacon Blue he says”
“Now, I remember this one. Right evil he was, but he’s alright now. Calmed down a bit. He likes them zombie drugs from Manchester, gets ’em shipped in. Who’d you like, love? Paloma Faith? What a fucking cunt. I’m sorry love, you’re breaking up. Give me a shout next week. Tarra”