E-cigarettes, the smoker's last stand to anti smoke fascism. Apparently. Me, I'm a smoker. I realise it's a filthy habit, I fully realise I'm committing a slow form of suicide, and I know I really should quite. Like REALLY REALLY should quit. The problem is that cigarettes are so damn tasty and delicious and, if I'm honest, a touch moreish. I have watched with interest the proliferation of the electronic cigarette and further witness my old man kicking tobacco into touch using one (he's now kicked the e-cig into touch too...well done Mr Hewitt Senior, I'm proud of you old man). Naturally, I think I'm doing it wrong.

Vapourising liquid ebola which then releases a thousand flesh eating nanobots which chew off your genitals from the inside. So claims the tobacco industry.
Vapourising liquid ebola which then releases a thousand flesh eating nanobots which chew off your genitals from the inside. So claims the tobacco industry.

I bought one of these devices and found it...lacking. I have a few issues with e-cigs even before it comes to me trying them out. I personally don't like to see them used in shops, I don't like people using them around my son (I don't care what's in them...I just don't like it), and when I see someone wearing one around their neck on a lanyard I usually think, with a smug air about myself, 'oh you slave'. Sadly I'm often lighting a real cig myself when I have these thoughts which kind of erodes the imaginary high ground I thought I was stood on.

Another big issue is they're just not terribly satisfying. Let's imagine I want a steak for dinner. A nice, big, juicy sirloin cooked 'just so'. All pink on the inside and utterly delicious. So, off I trot to a restaurant to indulge my desire. I inform the waiter of just what I want, a great, meaty, slab of deliciousness only to be told "I understand you want a nice, juicy, steak. But they're not very good for you sir. Might I suggest a lovely piece of tofu instead? It's banana and watermelon flavoured!". Do you see where I'm going with this?

Then there's the propaganda. Pro E-Cig people are claiming it's basically better than fresh air and will put hairs on your chest which will no longer collapse under the weight of 10,000 tumours as the rest of you wastes away. Opponents point out you're basically sucking on an unknown mixture of ungodly poisons which will see you bleeding through the pores of your skin whilst evacuating your liquefied internal organs through your backside. Who in the hell do I trust? The guy selling it to me or the tobacco industry sponsored research? Well, I'm listening to neither, obviously. If the Peanut Butter Association of America put out an advert stating that Nutella is the devil's diarrhea I'm probably not going to take it too seriously after all.

So where does that leave me? Well, I want to quit smoking but I guess it's going to be harder than I'd like it to be. By the same token I don't want to vapourise a mixture of fluids stirred up in a storage unit in Burnley by someone called 'Dave". And e-cigs make my chest hurt which means that my pores should be bleeding any time now.

The point of this article? Well, there isn't one. I was just thinking about e-cigs.

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Hayden is the founder of Trigger Warning so it’s all his fault.

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