This week saw the launch of the Falcon Heavy space rocket thingy and apparently it was awesome. Feeble minded people applauded as the monster rocket clawed its way through our atmosphere, used too much gas, missed Mars, and went tear arsing its way across the solar system looking for a charging bay for the Tesla Roadster in the hold. How the people smiled and cheered watching the fruits of a man's labour, or at least his dreams.

Elon Musk, the slightly eccentric, "zany", hugely successful genius bloke is the man behind all this nonsense and I for one am bloody annoyed with him. Not because he's rich, not because he's successful, but because I'm sick and tired of him dicking around with all these nothing burger projects when there are far more important things he could be focusing on. Far more important. But no, he has to build a rocket. Like that's never been done before.

Sure, he's done the electric car thing and they're very good and very sexy. And yes he's probably going to revolutionise battery technology, renewable energy, and most likely provide cheaper utilities for everyone with solar roof tiles. Hell, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before he cures baldness** and comes up with a slightly better paper shredder. But is this really progress? Does it really matter? Instead of playing with toys and silly ideas here are some real world issues he could solve, products he must create, things he must make a reality. If you're reading this, Elon please do the right thing.

THE LASER PISTOL.

They have to look this cool too

That's right, the laser pistol. We're long overdue seeing laser pistols in use and whilst I can tolerate the fact we don't all wear silver clothes and live on the moon I can't tolerate the lack of laser pistols. They should look cool, they should fire red lasers to kill and blue ones to stun and they really should make the "PEEEYOOO" noise. Nothing less will satisfy. I'm fairly sure these exist already in Elon's hollowed out volcano holiday home and he's keeping them to himself. Pretty evil, Elon.

 

THE HOVERBOARD

Make them to end the moaning. PLEASE!

Personally I couldn't give a fig about these things. I thought the idea was cool in 1985 but that was when I wasn't risking breaking my hips and contracting MRSA in the hospital if I fell off the damn thing. No, I want them made now so that other people can stop bringing them up every fucking time there's talk about the future. I'm fed up to the back teeth of it now so let's get this sorted.

VR SUIT WITH 'FEELORAMA' AND MILKING ATTACHMENT

Like this but with only one sucky thingy. Preferably more portable too.

I probably don't have to explain but it's time to take VR to the next level and create a sensation suit with an attachment that's a lot like those things you use for milking cows. You'll be keeping people off the streets and helping people spend time doing something more vigorous and healthy than playing Playstation all day. You know it's for the public good, right? I'm asking about this one for a friend.

THE DEATH STAR

Yes, the list could go on and on but these four items alone would address the genuine needs of the human race far more than all the usual nonsense you hear people going on about. You know "poverty", "Homelessness", "famine", "war", etc etc. It's all so yawn inducing and not exciting at all compared with what we really need. Come on Elon, do the right thing and stop playing around with little rockets and quiet cars. Do something great!

 

**The bald cure thing would be okay btw. Just saying.

 

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Hayden is the founder of Trigger Warning so it’s all his fault.

This Post Has 3 Comments

  1. You look cool in a spacesuit Hmatey!

  2. We have to leave this rock at some point in our future, so someone has to make a start.. so i support that freaky genius 🙂

  3. Isn’t this the fool that thought his mini-sub could rescue the ‘Boy in the Cave’?

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