The Rise, Fall and Rise of Saint Peter

Times have been troubled at Trigger Warning ever since Brian Blessed usurped Peter Sutcliffe as a living saint. It is with joy unrivalled that news recently reached us which sees him reclaiming his rightful place upon the throne of the mighty.

It is with some inevitability that a young lady has fallen madly in love with renowned woman slaughterer, Peter Sutcliffe. Reportage has been a little thin but zippy enough.

The Star reports:

“…the evil murderer is determined to appeal his conviction and start a new life with a teenager he has been writing to.

According to an inside source, he has promised the 17-year-old “baby-faced” girl they will be together forever.

Now 72 years old, Sutcliffe is blind and uses a cane to walk – yet he is desperate for a new chapter of his life to begin”.

The Polish girl is reportedly called Victoria and learned about Sutcliffe due to an interest in crime history.

The source told the Sunday People: “She has been writing to him and talking to him on the phone for months and they have become increasingly close.

“She has promised him she will be there for him when he comes to Poland.”

And she is seemingly infatuated with the vile killer, even sending him gifts and care packages with chocolate inside.

After wardens confiscated the luxury gift boxes, Victoria reportedly decided to send forms that would allow her to visit him in prison.

The source said: “Victoria has kept her parents largely in the dark about their relationship because she is terrified they will forbid it and stop her travelling to the UK.

“They knew she was writing to a man in England but they didn’t really know anything about him”

Certainly something of a delightful surprise awaits his future in-laws, though The Sun had dug a little deeper and described them as “worried”.

The Mirror came up trumps with some particularly juicy tidbits:

“He has sent her forms to visit him at HMP Frankland, Co Durham, where he spends his days watching TV, including Mrs Brown’s Boys and X Factor.

She would not be allowed to visit without a parent or guardian because of her age”.

Naturally, on the continent, news was reported with a typically brusque manner. The Polish Express lead with the opening salvo of:

“Peter Sutcliffe, known as a rapist from Yorkshire, decided to move to Eastern Europe, where he would be able to start a new life with a 17-year-old Pole”.

The following translation is for our own cheap amusement alone:

British journalists have noticed that Wiktoria, who has a childish face, lives in the countryside with his parents and dog so far, so it would be impossible to receive a convicted murderer under their roof. If it happens at all. The girl sent gifts and chocolates to Sutcliffe, but the guards confiscated them. The man sent her the forms needed to visit him in prison. However, the girl will not be able to visit her parents or another adult without care because of her young age.

“Victoria keeps her acquaintance with the murdered murderers secretly from her parents, because she is terrified that if they found out, they would be forbidden to contact him and she would not be able to come to Britain to visit him”

Dissatisfied with Europe’s ability to report on important matters, Trigger Warning has obtained two of the letters exchanged between the two. These remain the property of TW and action of a very half-arsed nature will ensue if they are used elsewhere.


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