THIS WILL BLOW YOUR MIND! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT! Why do these phrases never contain the next logical sentence which should read "IF YOU'RE A CONGENITAL MORON!!!"? We're always drowning under a sea of something underwhelming online, do you remember the whole Cheezeburger thing? Thing is, they're usually slightly amusing at first but this wanton sloganeering is driving me insane.

I wouldn't mind if when I clicked on one of these articles I was greeted with something even vaguely mind-blowing, I'd even settle for mildly interesting. Instead it seems to be whatever mindless, fit only for daytime TV, crap the webmaster can find. Do these guys have a special agency they go to for this stuff? Perhaps they do and it's called "Pure crap to fill your site with, the punters will love it". And that's the worst part, isn't it? Not that people have these websites but that people are eating it up. Granted this makes me sound like some kind of elitist snob but I can live with that.

What is it about us that gets reeled in by this nonsense. Even when you see the ad saying something along the lines of "Watch this girl sing, your mind will be blown" you know it won't be. She might be a good singer, she might even be a great singer, but your mind won't be blown. Worse still are people who share this crap saying "This really is mind-blowing". Well let me tell you something, it bloody isn't.

To blow my mind it would take a lot more than some mildly talented future wage slave hacking out a Beyoncé song. It would certainly take more than watching a dog do a handstand. Want to blow my mind? Show me a video of an actual alien, show me a picture of Tony Blair performing an act of great kindness upon George Bush while being serviced by a man with oversized robot fists.  Don't give me some crappy slide show of celebrities doing things that are remotely normal, give me one video that makes the hair on my toes stand on end and has my eyes revolving in separate orbits. At the very least just stop bloody lying!

And you people who relentlessly click on and share this garbage, what are you thinking? Is your day so empty of interest that you find yourself reading this junk in between watching Jeremy Kyle clips on YouTube? Where's your self-respect? If you want something funny, go watch something funny. Want shocking? This is the Internet, you can definitely find genuinely shocking material out there which isn't suitable for daytime television. I'd bet you'd even watch some crappy Channel Four weekly roundup of "Your mind will be blown" shite hosted by dreadful "personality" just so you can turn to your friends occasionally and mutter "Oh yeah...I caught that online like last month or so. It was totally funny, it blew my mind".

So, I can't do anything about the websites themselves. They'll just trundle on drowning the planet in beige while the morons eat it up. But if any of you say to me "OMG click this link it blew my mind" you'd better provide pictorial evidence of your exploded skull and your brains dripping down the wall like so much red porridge or you'll get the sharp end of my tongue and no mistake.

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Hayden is the founder of Trigger Warning so it’s all his fault.

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